Yea Verily, He Pwneth Noobes

Posted by Kotaku
August 29, 2006

Those of you that had trouble reading pirate patois (ha ha ha, losers) are going to tear your scalps off and eat them in chunks after I launch this one at your faces:

GRANDE THEFTE, COLLUSIOUN, AND MAYNTENANCE: Ich had herde of this game bifor, for manye a petiticioun hath ben yiven to the kinge in parlemente concerynyge the threte that thys game wille make childrene in to violent felouns. Ich was astonyed to heere that Lowys had boughte it hym self, by bribinge a clerk of the video games store. And yet, ther ys litel mattir for worrye, for the game itself ys a satire of the disordred state of lawe in this contree. Ye run arounde and commit various actes of trespass with force and armes, and then use yower patrones and affinitee groupes to get yow out of prisone. Ther ys even a 'mini game' yn whiche a sheriff doth presente yow wyth a writ to appeare in courte and ye teare yt yn piece-meale (by pressinge the A button very faste!). Ye gayne riche landes by doynge yower neighbours wronges and oppressiouns. Ye kan evene take the liverie of various corrupt local lordes, and putte the robes and hattes and pinnes on and looke at yowerself yn the mirour. Althogh ich trye to be a man of moralitee, ich muste admit that this game ys verye fun! Every tyme ich do commit trailbaston and hitte a lawyer ovir the heede to take of hys coynes, ich do pretende yt ys that wankere Johannes Gower! Ywis, ich do thinke that this game pleseth nat the menne of parlement for yt striketh verye close to the merke.

This is from the blog of Geoffrey Chaucer, poet of the 1300s, in his post titled "Ich pwne noobs!". He gives rundowns of popular titles including DONKEYE-KYNGE, CIVILISATIOUN, TROJAN KOMBAT, TYGER WOODSES HUNTINGE AND HAWKINGE, which doth make simulacioun of noble sportes. As do I. Eliza Gauger

Ich Pwne Noobs! [Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog, via Buttonmashing]

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